Friday, 10 September 2010



  1. Find a victim!! This is important! No victim, no serial killing! Don’t kill yourself cos that would be suicide!

  1. Don’t have any witnesses! Killing someone in the middle of ASDA on a Saturday afternoon is not advised! Too many witnesses!

  1. Don’t leave any DNA samples! That means no shagging the corpse (Unless with a condom!), no spitting on the body like they do in skinhead videos AND no water sports! It’ll piss off the forensic people but give them plenty of DNA!!

  1. Be careful; don’t leave your business card on or near the body with your phone number and an email address on, cos the boys in blue will get ya! Even the thickest copper in the world will work that one out!

  1. If you live in a block of flats, DO NOT dispose of the body under the floorboards!! This is because blocks of flats tend not to have floorboards so if you are digging down you might end up falling through to the flat below, which can be very inconsiderate if the family below are all sat down watching the X Factor!

  1. If you’ve got the body/bodies in bed with you then for goodness sake plug them up otherwise they will seep everywhere which is no fun if you don’t have a washing machine!

  1. If your victim has a mobile phone DO NOT be phoning all your mates on it!! The police will trace YOUR arse faster than you can say ‘EH’!!!

  1. If you have disposed of the body under your settee then PLEASE keep ya dog out of the living room! It’ll drive the dog mad and you might have to kill your dog and remember….a dog is for LIFE!

  1. Don’t be gossiping to a big mouthed scene queen otherwise the bitch will chat and next thing you know, you are on picking up soap duties in the showers in Strangeways prison!

  1. If you’ve disposed of the body in your flat then for goodness sake be sensible and keep a window open otherwise it’ll stink like a …….council flat!

  1. DO NOT try and strangle someone if you have just had false nails attached!! You will not be pleased when they fly off everywhere!!

  1. Be careful if you are dyslexic and want to be a serial killer cos you might find yourself smashing a packet of cornflakes with a hammer!

  1. If you have killed someone do not tell your mum!! Otherwise she will phone the police thinking she’s doing her best for you!

  1. Cover the body/bodies in bin liners otherwise the corpses will be covered in flies and maggots, which is fine if you are in a big house and you have the body in an attic, it won’t be fun in a pokey bed-sit!

  1. DO NOT take the body on the bus in order to dispose of the body!! Other passengers on the bus will get suspicious!

  1.  Don’t worry about the cost of keeping dead bodies! They are DEAD remember so won’t cost you anything in food!

  1. DO NOT show off to your mates by killing a stunner and propping him up in a chair when your mates come round to visit and pretending he’s your new boyfriend! Even your thickest most pissed up friend will suss, especially if the body is decomposing! Remember, what looks good alive, won’t when dead!

  1. You won’t impress anyone from Papua New Guinea with your serial killer skills! They’ve been doing it of sorts for centuries! Besides, they eat theirs so NERR NERR to you!

  1. DO NOT decide to be a serial killer if you are a contestant on BIG BROTHER!! The reason being is you are on camera and about 10 million viewers will be witnesses!

  1. AND finally, if you do not fancy Rhoda Hoarse DO NOT tell her you are a serial killer cos she will kill you for saying no just to teach you a lesson, or she’ll get some of her ‘special friends’(Clients) from the local kebab shop to deal with your arse!

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