Wednesday, 15 September 2010
1. Make sure you have a target for your bitching; otherwise you aren’t being a bitch, you are just talking to yourself and people will think you are mad and laugh at you!
2. If someone has ticked you off and they invite you round for tea, when you go to the bathroom, run their toothbrush under the rim of the toilet and shake off any gunge and put it back in it’s place and when you go back down stairs, force tears in your eyes and tell them how much they mean to you, as you collapse inside laughing!
3. If you want to get even with an ex, don’t sleep with his best friend, that’s expected but sleep with his father!! Better still film it and make his dad do the same things and say the same things your ex used to do and say in bed! Then post the DVD to all his family!
4. Again, if you want to get even with an ex, place frozen prawns all around his house/ flat! Place them in the curtain rail, down the back of the sofa. Also put holes in his mattress and stuff them in! Believe me, after a few days, the place will stink like a lobster’s graveyard and he will think he is on the verge of demonic possession, whilst you laugh like a cackling Witch at your wickedness!
5. If someone has done you wrong and they are diabetic then this is an easy one to sort out…. Just make them a ‘sugar free’ desert BUT lace it with syrup!! The bitch will be in a coma faster than you can blink!
6. If you want to really stuff a wrong doer up then tape the National Lottery show the week before and whatever the numbers are, buy a ticket containing those numbers. Give that ticket to the person who has pissed you off and get them to unknowingly watch the recording of the previous week’s lottery with you, thinking they are watching this week’s. Watch them scream with delight thinking that they have won! Don’t tell them what you have done. Let them find out the hard way!
7. To be particularly evil to a wrong doer, buy two boxes of chocolates. One ordinary box of say Thornton’s. The other box should be a huge box of diabetic chocolates. Tell them that you should have a competition as to who can eat the chocolates first! Make sure they get the diabetic chocolates. Get them to eat everyone! Believe me, within an hour they will shit and fart for England on a cosmic scale!! They will spend the night on the loo pebble dashing it and clutching their guts in agony! The more chocolates the better! Make sure you do this before the person is going say, on a date! Or a Christening in a quiet church!
8. If a wrong doer is going on a date, lace their food with as much garlic as possible! Mince a whole bulb of garlic in a blender and mix it in their food! Believe me, eventually, they will honk worse than a Bradford street hooker at 6 in the morning!
9. To get revenge on someone who’s paranoid about their weight and desperate to lose it for a big occasion, take in their favourite clothes on a sewing machine on the day of the big occasion! Then see them struggle trying to get into the clothes and make noises like a pig whilst tutting cos they can’t fit into them! This will destroy their self confidence!
10. Put hair remover cream in their hair conditioner and encourage them to keep the conditioner on longer! This works best if they have lovely long locks! If they have cropped hair, put loads of henna in their conditioner! This will stain their scalp skin and fingernails for weeks afterwards! BUT it’ll serve them right of course!
Monday, 13 September 2010
- First and foremost make sure there is a movie and a camera involved and other people, otherwise you aren’t in a porn film, you are having a wank!
2. Know your limitations! If there is an audition for a porn movie called ‘Black African Twink12inch Wank Fest’ and you are white, from Grimsby, with a 5 inch cock, no hands and you are a granddad and hate crowds then my advice would be not to waste your time by auditioning, cos bitch, you ain’t getting a part!
3. Unless you are doing a scat movie, make sure you douche; otherwise it will be like making chocolate milk shake in a blender with no top on the blender, especially in a gang bang scene!
4. Make sure that the other person/persons in the movie are of the age of consent! One day under the age of consent and you will be singing: “HELLO SEX REGISTER HERE I COME!” as you are on ‘picking up soap’ duties in the showers of Strangeways prison as you get bummed to death by a 7ft mountain man from a lost tribe in the Pennines!
5. NEVER work with animals! Doggy styling a doggy (The four legged kind) will result in some extreme animal rights group digging up dead relatives of yours and doing unspeakable things to the corpses and it will serve you right! Plus you will also serve time cos it’s illegal!
6. Avoid ‘Chicks with Dicks’ movies if you are a gay man, cos your career will be over prematurely and no one will touch you again sexually, apart from chicks with dicks.
7. Have a few acting lessons! There’s nothing worse than seeing some porn star say: “OH YEAH!” whilst obviously reading off cue cards, cos you can see his head turn for each word!!
8. If you want to knock out the competition on set then scream like a banshee on camera then as soon as the scene is shot then say quite loudly so that the other actors and the director hears: “That was the worst shag of my life!! I really had to act in that scene cos the other guy was shite!” This will make the other actors in the scene really insecure and might stop them getting a hard on thus making you look really good in front of the director!
9. Be prepared to swallow!! It is a must in porn films. Or failing that, really take notice of tip 7 then at least you can act like you are swallowing!
10. Having a huge cock is normally a pre-requisite for a pornstar but just as important, it depends what it is attached to! Meaning if you have a horse dick on you but look like a 5ft, 20 stone Cyclops, then the latter might hinder your career!
Friday, 10 September 2010
TIPS ON BEING A SERIAL KILLER!
- Find a victim!! This is important! No victim, no serial killing! Don’t kill yourself cos that would be suicide!
- Don’t have any witnesses! Killing someone in the middle of ASDA on a Saturday afternoon is not advised! Too many witnesses!
- Don’t leave any DNA samples! That means no shagging the corpse (Unless with a condom!), no spitting on the body like they do in skinhead videos AND no water sports! It’ll piss off the forensic people but give them plenty of DNA!!
- Be careful; don’t leave your business card on or near the body with your phone number and an email address on, cos the boys in blue will get ya! Even the thickest copper in the world will work that one out!
- If you live in a block of flats, DO NOT dispose of the body under the floorboards!! This is because blocks of flats tend not to have floorboards so if you are digging down you might end up falling through to the flat below, which can be very inconsiderate if the family below are all sat down watching the X Factor!
- If you’ve got the body/bodies in bed with you then for goodness sake plug them up otherwise they will seep everywhere which is no fun if you don’t have a washing machine!
- If your victim has a mobile phone DO NOT be phoning all your mates on it!! The police will trace YOUR arse faster than you can say ‘EH’!!!
- If you have disposed of the body under your settee then PLEASE keep ya dog out of the living room! It’ll drive the dog mad and you might have to kill your dog and remember….a dog is for LIFE!
- Don’t be gossiping to a big mouthed scene queen otherwise the bitch will chat and next thing you know, you are on picking up soap duties in the showers in Strangeways prison!
- If you’ve disposed of the body in your flat then for goodness sake be sensible and keep a window open otherwise it’ll stink like a …….council flat!
- DO NOT try and strangle someone if you have just had false nails attached!! You will not be pleased when they fly off everywhere!!
- Be careful if you are dyslexic and want to be a serial killer cos you might find yourself smashing a packet of cornflakes with a hammer!
- If you have killed someone do not tell your mum!! Otherwise she will phone the police thinking she’s doing her best for you!
- Cover the body/bodies in bin liners otherwise the corpses will be covered in flies and maggots, which is fine if you are in a big house and you have the body in an attic, it won’t be fun in a pokey bed-sit!
- DO NOT take the body on the bus in order to dispose of the body!! Other passengers on the bus will get suspicious!
- Don’t worry about the cost of keeping dead bodies! They are DEAD remember so won’t cost you anything in food!
- DO NOT show off to your mates by killing a stunner and propping him up in a chair when your mates come round to visit and pretending he’s your new boyfriend! Even your thickest most pissed up friend will suss, especially if the body is decomposing! Remember, what looks good alive, won’t when dead!
- You won’t impress anyone from Papua New Guinea with your serial killer skills! They’ve been doing it of sorts for centuries! Besides, they eat theirs so NERR NERR to you!
- DO NOT decide to be a serial killer if you are a contestant on BIG BROTHER!! The reason being is you are on camera and about 10 million viewers will be witnesses!
- AND finally, if you do not fancy Rhoda Hoarse DO NOT tell her you are a serial killer cos she will kill you for saying no just to teach you a lesson, or she’ll get some of her ‘special friends’(Clients) from the local kebab shop to deal with your arse!