Thursday, 9 September 2010

TIPS ON BEING A DRAG QUEEN DOOR WHORE!!

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1. Get some Drag!!!! There is nothing worse than wanting to be a drag queen door whore and not having any drag!! It doesn't work if you are in man clothes unless you are a drag king!

2. Get the highest pair of heels you can find to wear! Comfort means foook all!! One must suffer and please believe me, one will suffer!! Added tip if you are black……make sure your heels aren't too high because when other black people who are straight see you in drag, bitch, you'd better be able to run from a machete attack!

3. Shave, shave, shave, shave SHAVE!!!!!!! Do not apply slap to your face without shaving your face (Unless you are Rhoda Hoarse!!) otherwise you will look like a man with a beard wearing make-up!!!

4. DO NOT eat garlic or anything spicy for at least 24 hours before commencing work!! Scally boys don't like it when you snog them with garlic breath!!! 

5. IMPORTANT………DO NOT kiss people in the conventional way otherwise your make-up will be destroyed! (Unless you are Rhoda Hoarse then it doesn't matter, in fact it's encouraged in her case!) Either air kiss or just tongue them instead or just tweak their genitals!

6. Always make sure you do at least the emergency wash before commencing work as a door whore. Armpits, crotch and teeth! Being labelled a smelly door whore is not good, unless you breath smells of cock snot and then you become even more desirable!

7. Do not suck anyone off whilst wearing make-up in confined spaces, otherwise your make-up will slide off and end up in your handbag and people will laugh at you when you walk back into the club and you will be labelled a dirty bitch!

8. DO NOT piss or throw up in your handbag under any circumstances!! Otherwise you will have to go out on the rob again for new make-up that's been destroyed in your handbag plus smelling of vomit is only acceptable if you are bulimic! 

9. If young children walk past the door where you are working DO NOT speak to them with a big old man voice otherwise you will scar their minds and you might end up being involved in a law suit!

10. If you are sucking a straight boy off in drag, make sure you tie your wig to your head otherwise he will become very disturbed when your wig comes off in his hands in the throws of passion and then he might kill you for 'proving' you are a man…..unless you feign having chemotherapy!

11. When you have finished your door whore stint EITHER go home in drag OR get changed in the club and leave by a back entrance! DO NOT let people see you without slap on AND under absolutely no circumstances must you leave the club in man clothes and still wearing your make-up because under an ancient law, people are allowed to lawfully kill you and bitch, it will serve you right!!

12. Do not get embarrassed sharing changing rooms with strippers!! It is the law that drag queens have to share dressing rooms with strippers! Strippers don't care about being naked and they sometimes get you to wank them off so they can tie their cocks up before going on stage! This isn't sexual on their behalf it's just practical!!

13. DO NOT have sexual relations with promoters in clubs! If you do then they will rip you off when it comes to being paid! They will assume that having their knob in your mouth is payment enough!

14. Make sure your handbag is big enough to house your slap, ciggies, camera, smuggled in vodka, chewing gum, condoms and lubes plus the hundreds of telephone numbers you will acquire from tranny shaggers, people with 'great' ideas, sexy scally boys who will swap guest list for sexual favours and lots of other people who you won't remember cos you got too pissed!! PLUS enough room for an emergency pair of tights and a spare wig just in case someone rips your wig off your head and runs off with it. NEVER keep your mobile phone in your handbag cos it WILL be robbed!

15. Get your eyes tested and if needs be, wear contact lenses just in case someone like Madonna turns up and you don't recognise her and you turn her away, thus bringing to an end your career tearfully! Under no circumstances should you wear plain prescription glasses!!! Showgirl in specs is not a good look and they will make you look retarded! Sunglasses such as Chanel, Gucci and Prada are fine!

16. If you can't make your own clothes then only wear designer clothes! Remember, any shoplifter can acquire designer clothes! Failing that, befriend a clothes designer! Vivienne Westwood, Gaultier, McQueen, Galliano would be best but failing that, a final year fashion student will suffice!! NEVER a first year student because they are the equivalent of children smearing their own shit on curtains as far as design goes! 

17. If a promoter mentions the word CHARITY, it means that, bitch, you ain't getting paid!!! So on hearing the word charity, pretend you don't speak English and walk away!

18. NEVER have a dump in a toilet in drag!! Because when you walk out of the toilet, you are guaranteed to have a queue a mile long outside your cubicle and they will all be calling you a smelly dirty bitch!

19. If a straight girl tries to pull your wig off, kill her and dump her body in a skip because if you don't kill her she will do it again and again because in a drunken state, the bitch thinks she's funny!

20. Finally, make sure that you have left the club before the lights go up in the club because honey unless you are blessed with extreme beauty and miracle make-up you will scare the punters and the rats in the bright lights!!

Additional tip added by Dusty 'O'

Always ask for cash...no cheques. They are tax traceable !

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