Monday, 13 September 2010

TIPS ON BEING A GAY PORN STAR!

  1. First and foremost make sure there is a movie and a camera involved and other people, otherwise you aren’t in a porn film, you are having a wank!

     2.   Know your limitations! If there is an audition for a porn movie called ‘Black African Twink12inch     Wank Fest’ and you are white, from Grimsby, with a 5 inch cock, no hands and you are a granddad and hate crowds then my advice would be not to waste your time by auditioning, cos bitch, you ain’t getting a part!

3.      Unless you are doing a scat movie, make sure you douche; otherwise it will be like making chocolate milk shake in a blender with no top on the blender, especially in a gang bang scene!

4.      Make sure that the other person/persons in the movie are of the age of consent! One day under the age of consent and you will be singing: “HELLO SEX REGISTER HERE I COME!” as you are on ‘picking up soap’ duties in the showers of Strangeways prison as you get bummed to death by a 7ft mountain man from a lost tribe in the Pennines!

5.      NEVER work with animals! Doggy styling a doggy (The four legged kind) will result in some extreme animal rights group digging up dead relatives of yours and doing unspeakable things to the corpses and it will serve you right! Plus you will also serve time cos it’s illegal!

6.      Avoid ‘Chicks with Dicks’ movies if you are a gay man, cos your career will be over prematurely and no one will touch you again sexually, apart from chicks with dicks.

7.      Have a few acting lessons! There’s nothing worse than seeing some porn star say: “OH YEAH!” whilst obviously reading off cue cards, cos you can see his head turn for each word!!

8.      If you want to knock out the competition on set then scream like a banshee on camera then as soon as the scene is shot then say quite loudly so that the other actors and the director hears: “That was the worst shag of my life!! I really had to act in that scene cos the other guy was shite!” This will make the other actors in the scene really insecure and might stop them getting a hard on thus making you look really good in front of the director!

9.      Be prepared to swallow!! It is a must in porn films. Or failing that, really take notice of tip 7 then at least you can act like you are swallowing!

10.  Having a huge cock is normally a pre-requisite for a pornstar but just as important, it depends what it is attached to! Meaning if you have a horse dick on you but look like a 5ft, 20 stone Cyclops, then the latter might hinder your career!

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