Wednesday, 15 September 2010

TIPS ON BEING A COMPLETE BITCH!


1. Make sure you have a target for your bitching; otherwise you aren’t being a bitch, you are just talking to yourself and people will think you are mad and laugh at you!

2. If someone has ticked you off and they invite you round for tea, when you go to the bathroom, run their toothbrush under the rim of the toilet and shake off any gunge and put it back in it’s place and when you go back down stairs, force tears in your eyes and tell them how much they mean to you, as you collapse inside laughing!

3. If you want to get even with an ex, don’t sleep with his best friend, that’s expected but sleep with his father!! Better still film it and make his dad do the same things and say the same things your ex used to do and say in bed! Then post the DVD to all his family!

4. Again, if you want to get even with an ex, place frozen prawns all around his house/ flat! Place them in the curtain rail, down the back of the sofa. Also put holes in his mattress and stuff them in! Believe me, after a few days, the place will stink like a lobster’s graveyard and he will think he is on the verge of demonic possession, whilst you laugh like a cackling Witch at your wickedness!

5. If someone has done you wrong and they are diabetic then this is an easy one to sort out…. Just make them a ‘sugar free’ desert BUT lace it with syrup!! The bitch will be in a coma faster than you can blink!

6. If you want to really stuff a wrong doer up then tape the National Lottery show the week before and whatever the numbers are, buy a ticket containing those numbers. Give that ticket to the person who has pissed you off and get them to unknowingly watch the recording of the previous week’s lottery with you, thinking they are watching this week’s. Watch them scream with delight thinking that they have won! Don’t tell them what you have done. Let them find out the hard way!

7. To be particularly evil to a wrong doer, buy two boxes of chocolates. One ordinary box of say Thornton’s. The other box should be a huge box of diabetic chocolates. Tell them that you should have a competition as to who can eat the chocolates first! Make sure they get the diabetic chocolates. Get them to eat everyone! Believe me, within an hour they will shit and fart for England on a cosmic scale!! They will spend the night on the loo pebble dashing it and clutching their guts in agony! The more chocolates the better! Make sure you do this before the person is going say, on a date! Or a Christening in a quiet church!

8. If a wrong doer is going on a date, lace their food with as much garlic as possible! Mince a whole bulb of garlic in a blender and mix it in their food! Believe me, eventually, they will honk worse than a Bradford street hooker at 6 in the morning!

9. To get revenge on someone who’s paranoid about their weight and desperate to lose it for a big occasion, take in their favourite clothes on a sewing machine on the day of the big occasion! Then see them struggle trying to get into the clothes and make noises like a pig whilst tutting cos they can’t fit into them! This will destroy their self confidence!

10. Put hair remover cream in their hair conditioner and encourage them to keep the conditioner on longer! This works best if they have lovely long locks! If they have cropped hair, put loads of henna in their conditioner! This will stain their scalp skin and fingernails for weeks afterwards! BUT it’ll serve them right of course!

Monday, 13 September 2010

TIPS ON BEING A GAY PORN STAR!

  1. First and foremost make sure there is a movie and a camera involved and other people, otherwise you aren’t in a porn film, you are having a wank!

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     2.   Know your limitations! If there is an audition for a porn movie called ‘Black African Twink12inch     Wank Fest’ and you are white, from Grimsby, with a 5 inch cock, no hands and you are a granddad and hate crowds then my advice would be not to waste your time by auditioning, cos bitch, you ain’t getting a part!

3.      Unless you are doing a scat movie, make sure you douche; otherwise it will be like making chocolate milk shake in a blender with no top on the blender, especially in a gang bang scene!

4.      Make sure that the other person/persons in the movie are of the age of consent! One day under the age of consent and you will be singing: “HELLO SEX REGISTER HERE I COME!” as you are on ‘picking up soap’ duties in the showers of Strangeways prison as you get bummed to death by a 7ft mountain man from a lost tribe in the Pennines!

5.      NEVER work with animals! Doggy styling a doggy (The four legged kind) will result in some extreme animal rights group digging up dead relatives of yours and doing unspeakable things to the corpses and it will serve you right! Plus you will also serve time cos it’s illegal!

6.      Avoid ‘Chicks with Dicks’ movies if you are a gay man, cos your career will be over prematurely and no one will touch you again sexually, apart from chicks with dicks.

7.      Have a few acting lessons! There’s nothing worse than seeing some porn star say: “OH YEAH!” whilst obviously reading off cue cards, cos you can see his head turn for each word!!

8.      If you want to knock out the competition on set then scream like a banshee on camera then as soon as the scene is shot then say quite loudly so that the other actors and the director hears: “That was the worst shag of my life!! I really had to act in that scene cos the other guy was shite!” This will make the other actors in the scene really insecure and might stop them getting a hard on thus making you look really good in front of the director!

9.      Be prepared to swallow!! It is a must in porn films. Or failing that, really take notice of tip 7 then at least you can act like you are swallowing!

10.  Having a huge cock is normally a pre-requisite for a pornstar but just as important, it depends what it is attached to! Meaning if you have a horse dick on you but look like a 5ft, 20 stone Cyclops, then the latter might hinder your career!

Friday, 10 September 2010

TIPS ON BEING A SERIAL KILLER!


TIPS ON BEING A SERIAL KILLER!

  1. Find a victim!! This is important! No victim, no serial killing! Don’t kill yourself cos that would be suicide!

  1. Don’t have any witnesses! Killing someone in the middle of ASDA on a Saturday afternoon is not advised! Too many witnesses!

  1. Don’t leave any DNA samples! That means no shagging the corpse (Unless with a condom!), no spitting on the body like they do in skinhead videos AND no water sports! It’ll piss off the forensic people but give them plenty of DNA!!

  1. Be careful; don’t leave your business card on or near the body with your phone number and an email address on, cos the boys in blue will get ya! Even the thickest copper in the world will work that one out!

  1. If you live in a block of flats, DO NOT dispose of the body under the floorboards!! This is because blocks of flats tend not to have floorboards so if you are digging down you might end up falling through to the flat below, which can be very inconsiderate if the family below are all sat down watching the X Factor!

  1. If you’ve got the body/bodies in bed with you then for goodness sake plug them up otherwise they will seep everywhere which is no fun if you don’t have a washing machine!

  1. If your victim has a mobile phone DO NOT be phoning all your mates on it!! The police will trace YOUR arse faster than you can say ‘EH’!!!

  1. If you have disposed of the body under your settee then PLEASE keep ya dog out of the living room! It’ll drive the dog mad and you might have to kill your dog and remember….a dog is for LIFE!

  1. Don’t be gossiping to a big mouthed scene queen otherwise the bitch will chat and next thing you know, you are on picking up soap duties in the showers in Strangeways prison!

  1. If you’ve disposed of the body in your flat then for goodness sake be sensible and keep a window open otherwise it’ll stink like a …….council flat!

  1. DO NOT try and strangle someone if you have just had false nails attached!! You will not be pleased when they fly off everywhere!!

  1. Be careful if you are dyslexic and want to be a serial killer cos you might find yourself smashing a packet of cornflakes with a hammer!

  1. If you have killed someone do not tell your mum!! Otherwise she will phone the police thinking she’s doing her best for you!

  1. Cover the body/bodies in bin liners otherwise the corpses will be covered in flies and maggots, which is fine if you are in a big house and you have the body in an attic, it won’t be fun in a pokey bed-sit!

  1. DO NOT take the body on the bus in order to dispose of the body!! Other passengers on the bus will get suspicious!

  1.  Don’t worry about the cost of keeping dead bodies! They are DEAD remember so won’t cost you anything in food!

  1. DO NOT show off to your mates by killing a stunner and propping him up in a chair when your mates come round to visit and pretending he’s your new boyfriend! Even your thickest most pissed up friend will suss, especially if the body is decomposing! Remember, what looks good alive, won’t when dead!

  1. You won’t impress anyone from Papua New Guinea with your serial killer skills! They’ve been doing it of sorts for centuries! Besides, they eat theirs so NERR NERR to you!

  1. DO NOT decide to be a serial killer if you are a contestant on BIG BROTHER!! The reason being is you are on camera and about 10 million viewers will be witnesses!

  1. AND finally, if you do not fancy Rhoda Hoarse DO NOT tell her you are a serial killer cos she will kill you for saying no just to teach you a lesson, or she’ll get some of her ‘special friends’(Clients) from the local kebab shop to deal with your arse!

Thursday, 9 September 2010

TIPS ON BEING A DRAG QUEEN DOOR WHORE!!

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1. Get some Drag!!!! There is nothing worse than wanting to be a drag queen door whore and not having any drag!! It doesn't work if you are in man clothes unless you are a drag king!

2. Get the highest pair of heels you can find to wear! Comfort means foook all!! One must suffer and please believe me, one will suffer!! Added tip if you are black……make sure your heels aren't too high because when other black people who are straight see you in drag, bitch, you'd better be able to run from a machete attack!

3. Shave, shave, shave, shave SHAVE!!!!!!! Do not apply slap to your face without shaving your face (Unless you are Rhoda Hoarse!!) otherwise you will look like a man with a beard wearing make-up!!!

4. DO NOT eat garlic or anything spicy for at least 24 hours before commencing work!! Scally boys don't like it when you snog them with garlic breath!!! 

5. IMPORTANT………DO NOT kiss people in the conventional way otherwise your make-up will be destroyed! (Unless you are Rhoda Hoarse then it doesn't matter, in fact it's encouraged in her case!) Either air kiss or just tongue them instead or just tweak their genitals!

6. Always make sure you do at least the emergency wash before commencing work as a door whore. Armpits, crotch and teeth! Being labelled a smelly door whore is not good, unless you breath smells of cock snot and then you become even more desirable!

7. Do not suck anyone off whilst wearing make-up in confined spaces, otherwise your make-up will slide off and end up in your handbag and people will laugh at you when you walk back into the club and you will be labelled a dirty bitch!

8. DO NOT piss or throw up in your handbag under any circumstances!! Otherwise you will have to go out on the rob again for new make-up that's been destroyed in your handbag plus smelling of vomit is only acceptable if you are bulimic! 

9. If young children walk past the door where you are working DO NOT speak to them with a big old man voice otherwise you will scar their minds and you might end up being involved in a law suit!

10. If you are sucking a straight boy off in drag, make sure you tie your wig to your head otherwise he will become very disturbed when your wig comes off in his hands in the throws of passion and then he might kill you for 'proving' you are a man…..unless you feign having chemotherapy!

11. When you have finished your door whore stint EITHER go home in drag OR get changed in the club and leave by a back entrance! DO NOT let people see you without slap on AND under absolutely no circumstances must you leave the club in man clothes and still wearing your make-up because under an ancient law, people are allowed to lawfully kill you and bitch, it will serve you right!!

12. Do not get embarrassed sharing changing rooms with strippers!! It is the law that drag queens have to share dressing rooms with strippers! Strippers don't care about being naked and they sometimes get you to wank them off so they can tie their cocks up before going on stage! This isn't sexual on their behalf it's just practical!!

13. DO NOT have sexual relations with promoters in clubs! If you do then they will rip you off when it comes to being paid! They will assume that having their knob in your mouth is payment enough!

14. Make sure your handbag is big enough to house your slap, ciggies, camera, smuggled in vodka, chewing gum, condoms and lubes plus the hundreds of telephone numbers you will acquire from tranny shaggers, people with 'great' ideas, sexy scally boys who will swap guest list for sexual favours and lots of other people who you won't remember cos you got too pissed!! PLUS enough room for an emergency pair of tights and a spare wig just in case someone rips your wig off your head and runs off with it. NEVER keep your mobile phone in your handbag cos it WILL be robbed!

15. Get your eyes tested and if needs be, wear contact lenses just in case someone like Madonna turns up and you don't recognise her and you turn her away, thus bringing to an end your career tearfully! Under no circumstances should you wear plain prescription glasses!!! Showgirl in specs is not a good look and they will make you look retarded! Sunglasses such as Chanel, Gucci and Prada are fine!

16. If you can't make your own clothes then only wear designer clothes! Remember, any shoplifter can acquire designer clothes! Failing that, befriend a clothes designer! Vivienne Westwood, Gaultier, McQueen, Galliano would be best but failing that, a final year fashion student will suffice!! NEVER a first year student because they are the equivalent of children smearing their own shit on curtains as far as design goes! 

17. If a promoter mentions the word CHARITY, it means that, bitch, you ain't getting paid!!! So on hearing the word charity, pretend you don't speak English and walk away!

18. NEVER have a dump in a toilet in drag!! Because when you walk out of the toilet, you are guaranteed to have a queue a mile long outside your cubicle and they will all be calling you a smelly dirty bitch!

19. If a straight girl tries to pull your wig off, kill her and dump her body in a skip because if you don't kill her she will do it again and again because in a drunken state, the bitch thinks she's funny!

20. Finally, make sure that you have left the club before the lights go up in the club because honey unless you are blessed with extreme beauty and miracle make-up you will scare the punters and the rats in the bright lights!!

Additional tip added by Dusty 'O'

Always ask for cash...no cheques. They are tax traceable !