1. Make sure you have a target for your bitching; otherwise you aren’t being a bitch, you are just talking to yourself and people will think you are mad and laugh at you!
2. If someone has ticked you off and they invite you round for tea, when you go to the bathroom, run their toothbrush under the rim of the toilet and shake off any gunge and put it back in it’s place and when you go back down stairs, force tears in your eyes and tell them how much they mean to you, as you collapse inside laughing!
3. If you want to get even with an ex, don’t sleep with his best friend, that’s expected but sleep with his father!! Better still film it and make his dad do the same things and say the same things your ex used to do and say in bed! Then post the DVD to all his family!
4. Again, if you want to get even with an ex, place frozen prawns all around his house/ flat! Place them in the curtain rail, down the back of the sofa. Also put holes in his mattress and stuff them in! Believe me, after a few days, the place will stink like a lobster’s graveyard and he will think he is on the verge of demonic possession, whilst you laugh like a cackling Witch at your wickedness!
5. If someone has done you wrong and they are diabetic then this is an easy one to sort out…. Just make them a ‘sugar free’ desert BUT lace it with syrup!! The bitch will be in a coma faster than you can blink!
6. If you want to really stuff a wrong doer up then tape the National Lottery show the week before and whatever the numbers are, buy a ticket containing those numbers. Give that ticket to the person who has pissed you off and get them to unknowingly watch the recording of the previous week’s lottery with you, thinking they are watching this week’s. Watch them scream with delight thinking that they have won! Don’t tell them what you have done. Let them find out the hard way!
7. To be particularly evil to a wrong doer, buy two boxes of chocolates. One ordinary box of say Thornton’s. The other box should be a huge box of diabetic chocolates. Tell them that you should have a competition as to who can eat the chocolates first! Make sure they get the diabetic chocolates. Get them to eat everyone! Believe me, within an hour they will shit and fart for England on a cosmic scale!! They will spend the night on the loo pebble dashing it and clutching their guts in agony! The more chocolates the better! Make sure you do this before the person is going say, on a date! Or a Christening in a quiet church!
8. If a wrong doer is going on a date, lace their food with as much garlic as possible! Mince a whole bulb of garlic in a blender and mix it in their food! Believe me, eventually, they will honk worse than a Bradford street hooker at 6 in the morning!
9. To get revenge on someone who’s paranoid about their weight and desperate to lose it for a big occasion, take in their favourite clothes on a sewing machine on the day of the big occasion! Then see them struggle trying to get into the clothes and make noises like a pig whilst tutting cos they can’t fit into them! This will destroy their self confidence!
10. Put hair remover cream in their hair conditioner and encourage them to keep the conditioner on longer! This works best if they have lovely long locks! If they have cropped hair, put loads of henna in their conditioner! This will stain their scalp skin and fingernails for weeks afterwards! BUT it’ll serve them right of course!
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